Resisting the urge to throw something out a window...

So...I think Ian just dropped out of the show. Hard to tell, because he did it via text message. But John just called me and the jist of the text he got leads him to believe that Ian's agent has advised him not to do the show.

Which is great to hear less than a month away from opening night.

But I have resolved not to panic.

Just like I resolved not to panic about the fact that we still hadn't actually blocked the show, that Ian backed out of the last two rehearsals we tried to schedule, that neither of us seemed to know our lines yet, that I was never going to learn my lines unless I actually rehearsed more, that the venue kept changing OR that I didn't think I'd be able to do justice to the intense emotional circumstances of the third scene unless I was so absolutely comfortable with thing like blocking and lines that I didn't have to worry about them at all.

Nope. Still not panicking.

Even though I've told all my friends and some of my former teachers and let's not forget CELEBRITIES at BARS about this show, and it's just for the grace of the theatre changing that I haven't had the chance to send out any mailings to industry people.

I Will Not Panic.

.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I Am So Angry.

Bored...

Things I Currently Love:
-Pizza
-Green Tea
-Old school Christina Aguilera
-Not having to be at work until 4pm as opposed to 3:30
-Being on the list for the Waiting for Godot opening night party
-LOST
-That crazy doorframe home gym thingie
-My abs (gettin' there!)
-Tracy Chapman

Things I Currently Hate:
-Swine flu
-Jury Duty surveys that I know are going to result in actual jury duty
-Stamps
-LOST
-My occasional lack of a social filter
-NY1
-Push-ups
-Sit-ups
-Crunches
-Javascript
-People who say "o-ways" and "perfeck" instead of "aLways" and "perfecT"
-People wearing surgical masks and yet still touching public banisters with their bare hands
-People
-The MTA
-Monthly Metrocards
-Just getting a pun you've heard in advertising for years. Example: "Trust Sleepy's for the REST of your life."
-Not being able to actually go to the Waiting for Godot opening night party because I won't be able to get out of work early

Sigh. Something needs to happen to me soon. Something awesome though. Not something bad. Because if something bad is going to happen to me, it'll probably be swine flu.

I'll think of a title tomorrow...

And so ends the Season of Jen, which is what Jen and I dubbed this lovely period of her internship with Roundabout, during which she has been able to gain access to free theatre tickets. And since her boyfriend is in Indiana, I got them as well.

But her internship is ending soon, and so the last free tickets we enjoyed were to last night's production of "Waiting For Godot."

Now I must admit, when we were supposed to read "Waiting For Godot" in Western Drama Two, I didn't read it. And I didn't pay much attention during the lecture the next day. I'm sorry Frank Trezza, I hope you will forgive me. But I knew enough to know that the "when does Godot come?" question of the quiz was a trick.

The performances were great. Nathan Lane and Bill Irwin were Estragon and Vladimir. And then John Goodman and John Glover were Pozzo and Lucky. They were all awesome, especially Bill Irwin, who's one of my favorite actors. But I wasn't TOO crazy about the show. I think it's by far the best Roundabout show we've seen this year, although I did like Hedda Gabbler despite the reviews.

But the problem is, I think, that you wouldn't get as much out of it as you would if you had studied the play. I feel like I need to go home, crack open Stages of Drama, and see it again. And let's face it, most of the people who are going to see this show have not studied it. Most of them are probably going to see Nathan Lane and John Goodman, and probably don't know who Bill Irwin is.

But the highlight of the show is definitely John Glover as Lucky. He looks terrifying and he does such a physically demanding performance, and the man is like 64 years old! The whole time he's huffing and puffing and stumbling around looking like he's about to faint, and growling like an animal. Awesome awesome awesome.

And of course because Bill Irwin and Nathan Lane were the two main characters, it was a lot funnier than I expected. They were very Vaudevillian and tramp-like. Very Chaplin. But other than the massive schtick, it kind of made me sad. I mean, I get that Godot is supposed to be God. Seriously, they even pronounced it "GOD-oh" which made me cringe everytime I heard it. So I get that. And I know that this is kind of the point of the show, but it just made me so sad that these two men return to this place every day waiting for something to happen that never does. They say that they can't stop coming because they'll be punished, but they're just filled with this aimless faith that's never rewarded.

Downer.

And then Jen and I got drunk and somewhere between the bathroom floor at McCoy's and the cab back to Flushing I lost a fucking earring.

God I am starving.

I want a salad.

Now Entering the "I Suck" portion of the rehearsal process...

Ian came over to rehearse today. We solidified the staging of Scene One and worked a little bit on Scene Two. It went well, I'm not worried at all about blocking or not being clear on what I'm doing onstage physically, but I think I've come to that point in the rehearsal process where I start to second-guess everything I'm doing.

I mean, I'm taking some risks in this show. I'm doing some weird things. But what seemed like a good idea, and only natural the first few times I read the play now seem almost stupid. And weird.

Okay. But I know I'm just psyching myself out. I'm freaking out and I just need to calm down and do what I need to do. Have a clear and personal objective. Play a specific action.

Balls to the wall.

Oh, if Doug Nyman could see me now, he'd be so proud.

What the hell? Why do bullet points turn into little flowers when I publish a post?

What if I was a dude?

• Not very manly.